You Can Now Buy a Sample of Ozzy Osbourne's DNA in Twelve Easy Payments

A kitschy new brand partnership between John "Ozzy" Osbourne and Liquid Death, the canned water brand, is releasing a limited run of cans of iced tea infused with DNA from the Prince of Darkness himself.

Sadly, the iced tea is long gone. The cans have all been chugged and crushed by Osbourne himself, leaving "behind trace DNA from his saliva that you can now own," according to Liquid Death's website.

But let's be real, you don't buy a rockstar's backwash to quench your thirst — you're buying it to do some parasocial cloning. After all, Ozzy's said to be a genetic mutant, capable of withstanding buckets of drugs, rabies from biting a live bat, and a nearly-fatal ATV accident.

"Ozzy Osbourne is 1 of 1," the site's ad-copy intones, "but we're selling his actual DNA so you can recycle him forever."

Each can comes secured in a "lab-sealed specimen jar," tagged with the donor's name, sample number out of ten, and date collected. Ozzy even signed the thing itself, ostensibly giving you a blank check for any future cloning.

"Now, when technology and federal law permits, you’ll be able to replicate Ozzy Osbourne and enjoy him for hundreds of years into the future," the website reads.

There are just 10 samples available for $450 each. And no worries if you're strapped for cash; thanks to Shop Pay, you can also finance your precious genetic material and pay it off in installments. Depending on your credit, you can pay $40.62 a month over 12 months, assuming a 15 percent APR.

However, if you missed out on this run, you might be able to pick one up from a scalper on the aftermarket — there are two already listed on eBay, each going for thousands of dollars.

On social media, fans were mostly jazzed about Ozzy's brand partnership, though the price tag raised a few eyebrows. "Damn, I should have saved your DNA when you spit on me in '84 during a concert at LB Arena," said one fan on X-formerly-Twitter.

Whoever ends up with these likely won't be able to do any real cloning anytime soon. Human cloning remains a major taboo in the genetics world, with over 40 countries banning research into the practice.

In the United States, human cloning research technically remains legal, despite attempts to strictly prohibit it. That said, the scientific community strictly frowns on it — so any Ozzy clones will have to be developed in shady underground laboratories.

Of course, it's extremely unlikely that anyone would ever actually clone Ozzy at all. It's more likely that these cheesy money-grabs spend a long life gathering dust on some collector's shelf, alongside the "CSI: Miami" record and sealed DVD copies of "The Osbournes."

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